whitmans_kiss | Millionaire Matchmaker, crack!fic R/S edition

I've been watching a lot of The Millionaire Matchmaker lately, and at

ceredwensirius's suggestion, have written a cracky hilarious episode of the show, in which Sirius Black, our millionaire, is looking for love...

The following is copypasta from an email hastily dashed off to

ceredwensirius in about 20 minutes, and I hope it brings some sort of joy, lol.

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oh my god, this episode is coming together before my eyes

patti stanger gets a dashing british millionaire heir, about 28, looking for love

has grown tired of the playboy lifestyle and is looking for something more serious - insert obligatory pun here

in his applicant video, is charming, hair swishing, active - likes dogs, that's a requirement - looking for someone - guy or girl, but they must be okay that he plays for both teams - intelligent, around the same age, maybe younger, loves a good curry, able to handle someone all man, someone with a career path but able to have fun, blonde, definitely blonde

patti stanger gets all, yeah, what is this tough guy james dean rebel act, but i like him, there's something classy and young aristocrat about him, i think we can definitely pull something together

SO patti gives a casting call and her assistant ahn-dreyy-uh sends in all sorts of attractive ladies and gentlemen for the prospective suitor

remus shows up in the lineup standing next to the prewett brothers and patti is like, okay, how old are you, what do you do for a living

remus is dressed "geek-chic" in a button-down, cardigan, and well-worn jeans, and he's like my name is remus lupin, i'm 28 years old, and i'm a bartender and part time schoolteacher

and patti stanger is like, okay hun i think you'll be a good test for our millionaire, he says he wants someone younger and blonde, which means the party type, but i have a feeling about this guy, what can i say, i'm a third-generation matchmaker, it's like a sixth sense, we need to break sirius of his party-playboy habits because he says he wants someone to get serious with

and patti stanger is like, all right, remus? is that french? will you be okay dating someone british? do the french and the british get along?

and remus is like, um, i'm from sheffield, my dad's french but i'm actually english

and patti stanger is like PERFECT OKAY SEE YOU AT THE MIXER

so they have the mixer and sirius is being charming and schmoozing with everyone, getting to know them, and you get a glimpse of his introduction to remus, and also a glimpse of his introduction to delilah, whom patti stanger picks as a test for sirius to see if he's really changed and wants to settle down, because she's hot and a model/actress and a party girl, so let's see if sirius goes for her or the more focused, down-to-earth remus

sirius schmoozes with the people at the mixer and patti stanger is like HOKAY who did you decide to take on your 10-minute mini-date

and sirius is like, okay, the two people i picked are remus and delilah

and patti stanger is like, aha, i knew it, he picked my test for him so we'll see how this goes - BUT ON THE OTHER HAND he also picked MY PICK for him, so i'm really excited to see how this works out

so then we have sirius go on his mini date with delilah first, and it's obvious that she hasn't got two brain cells to rub together and only wants him for his money

and then sirius goes on his mini date with remus, and there's like this spark and connection, and sirius gets all kinds of giggly because remus says something unexpected and lewd and sirius is like, holy shit, maybe he's not such a prude

and patti stanger is like, okay, who did you pick to go on your master date with

and sirius is like, i picked remus, because he seemed really sincere

and patti stanger is all happy because she's like REMUS WAS MY PICK, IT'S COOL THAT HE'S FRENCH, RIGHT?

and sirius is like, um, he said he was from sheffield

and patti stanger is like OH WHATEVER YOU TWO BOYS HAVE FUN BUT REMEMBER the rules of the millionaire's club is no sex before exclusivity, do you think you can do that for me

and sirius is like, yeah, i'll be a gentleman

so then patti leaves it to sirius to plan the date (because in her club, if the millionaire is a guy, the guy plans the date, regardless of the gender of whom he's picking up) and sirius is like, my bike is a big part of my life but so are my horses i think i'll take him to a horse farm and we'll go on a trail ride and then have a nice lunch after that

and he picks remus up on his bike and remus is like, hoboy, not diggin the bike so it's a little bit of a rocky start

but they're not too far from the horse farm and when they get there, the ride goes well, and it's clear they're having a good time

blah blah blah, the date seems to be going smoothly, they're laughing and not because they don't have anything to say, quite the contrary

and the date comes to an end with the end of lunch and sirius has arranged for a driver to take remus home

sirius decides to go in for a kiss, because patti stanger gave him permission for one kiss on the first date, no tongue, just to rev remus' engine a little bit and seal the deal

remus is a little skittish about the kiss because he's not really a first-date-kiss kind of a guy so it's a little awkward

but the good news is that they make plans for date two before remus leaves, which is good

FOLLOW UP patti stanger calls remus on speakerphone with her staff to see how the date went

remus is like, it was wonderful, he picked me up on his bike which was not really something i was too pleased about

and patti stanger is like I TOLD HIM NOT TO TAKE HIS DATE ON THE BIKE but whatever okay

and remus is like then we went to horse stables and went for a trail ride, which was really fun and we had a good time and then we changed (separately) and he took me out to a lovely sort of luncheon, very intimate just the two of us, i was impressed and i would like to go out with him again, definitely

and patti stanger is like and did he kiss you????

and remus is like, yes, before i left he did try to kiss me, but i thought it was a little forward

and patti stanger is like I CAN HEAR THE SMILE IN YOUR VOICE, YOU SILLY FRENCHMAN AWW

and remus is like..... but i'm from sheffield

so then patti has sirius come into her office to get his side of the story and sirius says the same thing, patti stanger gives him a reprimand for breaking her instructions about taking remus out on the bike before making sure he was comfortable with it, but sirius is like, whatever, lesson learned

and sirius is like it was really nice, i definitely see some sort of a future for this, and we'll see how it goes

AND THEN THE CREDITS ROLL AND THE FOLLOW-UP LINE IS SOMETHING LIKE

Sirius and Remus continue to date; Remus has moved back to the UK to continue the relationship.